Letter To The Editor

The Latest From The Banana

Another Letter To The Editor

Every now and then, Editor-in-Chief- Kristoffer Kenison- will
respond to a random question sent from a random reader.

Congratulations Kristoffer B Kenison!

You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Visa card with a credit line up to $107.84! And- as a special offer to our newest customer- we are offering you 0% APR Financing on all purchases over $10! How could you say no?

The answer is simple: You Can't! Go ahead, try to say no to a credit line of up to $107.84! We are willing to bet that- the second you attempt to form that simple one-syllable word with your perfect lips- you'll find your voice crackles, your mouth dries out, and your tongue ties itself into a knot.

This special Platinum Visa card offer has a 0% Annual Percentage Rate (APR) on all purchases posting on or before your February 2007 statement closing date. After February 2007, you will be charged the standard 54.5% that we charge all suckers who take this card. The introductory 0% APR does not apply to cash advances or bail bonds. We, Visa, in all our glory, reserve the right to change your terms, rates, and fees at any time, for any reason, in accordance with the card agreement, applicable law, and prophecy.

How do you sign up for your Platinum Visa? Simple! You can 1.) Accept online at www.AcceptMyCard.com, 2.) Complete and mail the Acceptance Certificate below in the enclosed prepaid envelope, or 3.) Call toll-free at 1-800-940-4959. Then press "1." Then "3." Then enter the last four of your social security number. Then the first three numbers. Then the middle two. Then the "pound" key. And that's all!

Remember: this is a Limited-time offer - Accept your Platinum Visa card today!

We look forward to serving you.
J. Christopher, Senior Vice President. Visa Pre-Approval Department.

__________________________________________________

-Kristoffer Kenison's Response:
Dear Mr. Christopher, let me show you something... NO... Wow, that was deceptively easy. Let me try again. NOO! By the way, nice last name...for a DOUCHEBAG!!!! By the way, you and your children have been pre-approved for a kick to the kidney. And if you act now, you will have 0 % blood in your urine until February 2007, when I will return to kick you and your kids harder and in both kidneys. This offer is valid on your hot teen daughter Mary, your chip off the old piece of shit son Dave and that little degenerate you call a daughter. This offer does not apply to your smoking wife, who I will instead screw while you are too occupied peeing blood.

How do you sign up for my divine retribution? Simple, continue on with your life. I know where you live. I will find you.

I look forward to ending you.

Got a question for Editor-In-Chief Kristoffer Kenison? Click here.