Previously From The Banana

Previously From The Banana

SPAYED DOG ROBBED OF HER SLUTTY PAST

A local dog, recently spayed, misses having sex with
random strangers.

A local dog- speaking to The Banana under condition of anonimity- has come forward with a horrible tale of horror and horrorishness: her owners- whom she has always treated as her mother and her mother's common-law husband- plucked her from their shared house, drove her in secret to a local vetrinarian, and had her spayed, robbing her of her only joy in life: having sex with random local dogs in the area all night, every night.

"That is a horrible run-on sentence," Kris Kenison, The Banana's editor-in-chief responded when first shown this article. "That is the worst opening paragraph I have ever read. Seriously, what fucking journalism school did you graduate from? Because- as God is my witness- I will one day buy that college, and burn it to the ground.

"You are an idiot," he added, requesting that I get out of his office.

Penny, the local dog that asked not to be identified, could only whimper when questioned. Her soul- along with the rest of her puppy labia- gone forever. Her heart, broken, alongside her ovaries, fallopian tubes, and- assuming they have one- canine clitoris.

"It's a common medical procedure people," her owner, some douche who doesn't even deserve to be mentioned by name, let alone description, said in defiance while my friend from my bowling league kicked him in the crotch. "The woman we bought her from suggested we get it done! Pugs bleed all over the place when they're in heat! We didn't want that! We didn't want puppies running around here! One dog is expensive enough!

"Dude, I think you ruptured my left nut," he added, coughing up blood.

With her only escape from the normal drudgery of every day life now removed from her life, Penny- who doesn't want you, the reader, to know who she is- has considered many alternatives to sexual relations to keep herself sane.

"I might take up pottery," she said through a pet psychic, who swears she is the 'real thing.' "Or maybe knitting. Anything to keep my hands- and mind- busy, so I don't try to masturbate."

When reminded that she doesn't have any thumbs, she attempted to commit suicide. Puppy suicide.