And now another chapter from...

"Donald: What Did I Drink?"

Chapter Eleven: Asspirations

"Anyone who's known me for any amount of time will tell you that my descent into professional bestiality was preordained. That, however, doesn't mean that my three year exodus into the lucrative world of animal-sex was an easy one, because it wasn't."

"As with any skilled trade, one does not just 'jump into' the business of screwing animals, at least not if they want to make a living at it. So I set out into the Ohio landscape, hoping to land an apprenticeship with a true master in the field. I found that master in a Mr. Lois Spickle, whose stage name was the delightfully alliterative 'Fanny Fauna Fucker.'

"By this time in my life I had enough career experience to know that you can't just walk up to a man and say, 'Excuse me sir, will you spend your free time teaching me how to 'do it' with animals and get people to pay me for it?' No, I needed more tact. Fortunately, I had that in spades."

"Before I describe our first encounter, I feel it only fair to describe the show that Fanny put on. If I didn't, you wouldn't understand how intimidating a figure he had become by the time of our first meeting."

"What that man did on stage that night was something that civilized society would light torches and storm the streets to destroy, but what the more unrefined and free thinking of the world would quickly recognize as proof of the existence of a higher being."

"The first thought that came to mind when I saw the huge paper mache ark being wheeled onto stage, was 'Everyone in this room is going to hell.' Later in life, I would find that to be true for many in the audience that night. That however, is another tale for another chapter."

"This tale continues as the animals started to leave the fabricated ship in pairs. That's when the pyrotechnics began. Roman candles lit up the stage as the aforementioned Fanny, draped in nothing but a rhinestone cape, proceeded to welcome each creature off the 'ark' by getting to know each biblically, pardon the purloined pun. Have you ever heard the sound of the jungle being raped? I did that night. It was a sound I would never forget and one that still haunts my slumbering visions to these days."

"Needless to say I was impressed. The show was short, sweet and to the point. The crowd generally agreed that the event was well worth the price. I managed to track down Fanny backstage and managed to stumble out if there were any possibility of an internship. I woke up three days later, pantless, bleeding and covered in more types of animal fur than I knew existed. That's when things started to get interesting..."

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