I get cats

I have this one cat, Chip. Big. Fat. Black. Like, how I like my women.

Sorry, couldn't resist that quip.

Anyway, Chip likes to crawl boxes, usually ones that are just a bit too small for him. BIg boxes? With plenty of room? He has no interest whatsoever. I always thought it was weird, quirky and one of those little appealing things about the beast.

Today I had one of those moments, where I just get "it." I've had them in the past with people, like where I "got" my friend Bubba. Good times.

Anyway, Chip likes little boxes. I know why now. The comfort of having no space out there, no emptiness, you know what's all around you. Just a box. I can see the comfort in that. I get it. Good on you Chip.

And then there were four

Today I blew my nose... on your mom!

Recipe for Success

1 c bananas
5 c chocolate chips
1 bag manure

Mix, boil, bang!

Nothing

NOt the pie

Pie is good, pie is great, pie I really do not hate.

NOt now

I just saw a cat outside. I stared at it. It stared back. We looked at each and shared a moment. IN that moment, I knew nothing and he knew everything. Then I farted.

The eyes have it.

So I was driving along today and saw three children walking down the sidewalk. I pictured their lives years down the road. There were two girls and one boy. I picture them remaining friends through sixth grade. That's when one of the girls drives a motorcycle off the cliff. At first the other two comfort each other, but eventually they begin to blame each other and drift apart. They don't speak to each other until their senior year, when they realize that their dead friend would have wanted them to stay friends. So they agree to a suicide pact. But three weeks later, when they make the attempt but fail miserably and accidentally invent a fat free figgy pudding. Or maybe they'll be astronauts.

Hooey

Cats chasing each other. For no good reason. Why must we fight?

And now we come to... here

I drove in a circle today. It was not a perfect circle however. Actually it was square, but not a perfect square, at all. In fact, I drove in a heptagigonal rectangle. But I still got where I was going.

That's nifty

Today I punched a man. He told me I was a goof. Now he has a broken nose.

Wow, I'm a huge liar!

NO, not that

Here's how this works: POOP!

No way

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless the doctor is a zombie, in which case only a brain will work. But then why would you go see a doctor whose a zombie?

The thing about...

The thing about cats is that they are very deceptive creatures. 80 % of the time they are just laying around, as though they are exhausted for some reason. So what are they doing the other 20% of the time? Plotting, practicing and preparing your death.

I know some of you doubt me, which is fine. You just haven't seen some of the things I've seen. Like, how cats can just show up or disappear on a whim. Where do they go? To plot!

How about when they attack things, seeming for no reason. Here's the reason: They're practicing "going for the jugular." And I mean that more literally than my quotation marks would suggest.

How about when they slave over circuit breakers for hours on end? They're obviously preparing bombs.

SO, even if you don't own or have never seen a cat, I assure you that you are in danger.

What's the solution? There is none.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Man, wouldn't it be cool to have superpowers?"

I have. You know what power I would want? The ability to, with just the power of my mind, sterilize people who ask rhetorical questions.

Too soon man, too soon.

So, five years ago... Planes... blah blah blah.

I was going to make a terrible joke about 9/11 but I can't bring myself to do that. So I'll share what I did that day.

I woke up and watched the footage on a wall of Target TV's at work all day.

Then I went home and.... crashed.

(I'm so sorry)

It's a trap!!!!

Hey, does anybody reading this know how to get the small of vomit out of pubic hair?

I'm not asking because I need the information, I'm asking to lure out the type of freaks who have used that information. Because you know there's got to be some crazy story behind knowing that. So, anyone?